Episode Title: Baluu
I’m not making love to her! I swear to God I’m not! I don’t even have an erection, please, look! Please, please don’t hurt me, please, I beg of you! I just brushed her!
Ei, no be small. Why is there frytol on your bula?
Frytol? Where? Please?
Baluu points at Kofi’s lavde with his knife.
Ei, no be small. There, there, on your bula, frytol shining on your bula like twinkle twinkle little stars how I wonder what you are, up above the world so high, like a diamond in the skyyyyyy!
Kofi looks down and sees his d–k and lower body smeared with the lubricant the nurse had used.
That’s not Frytol, please! It’s a lubricant!
Ei, no be small. Are you also calling me crazy?
No, no, please! You’re not crazy!
Ei, no be small. You put frytol on your bula matari and you’re giving Aunt Korkor atopa lobolobo!
Yes, yes, I put frytol on my bula, but please I’m not sleeping with her, please. I just dipped into her…oh, Lord!
Ei, no be small. My paddy, once your bula enter Aunt Korkor’s toto, na lobolobo ooo, no be dipping! I’m going to cut out your eyes, I swear!
Oh, no! No, no! You can’t do that!
The giant reaches down and takes Kofi by the neck and draws him up.
Kofi opens his mouth to speak and the giant hits him across the face with the back of his hand, throwing Kofi back against the wall.
Ei, no be small. Atopa lobolobo man!
He raises his knife to cut open Kofi’s throat!
No, no! Please don’t do that! You can’t kill me!
Ei, no be small. Why can’t I kill you?
And suddenly it dawns on Kofi that this man is not a normal man, he is mentally-challenged, and maybe the only way out of this is to do something unusual.
Because I’m not what I am!
Baluu grins suddenly, and begins to chuckle.
Ei, no be small. You don’t even know who you are and you’re humping Aunt Korkor! Maaaaaaad boy!
He swings the knife suddenly, and Kofi jumps back with a cry of horror, and his back hits the wall!
He scrambles away along the wall!
Baluu comes after him with leisurely strides.
He raises the wicked knife again.
I’M NOT WHAT I AM! I AM GOD! I AM A GOD!
Baluu stops and c—s his head to one side and looks at Kofi with sudden shock.
Ei, no be small. Are you God?
I am a god!
Ei, no be small. So you’re the God that gives out flatulence on us and call it thunder, then you urinate on us and call it rain?
Ei, no be small. I don’t think you’re God. God, the oluman shingo de shingo never asks questions oooo!
He kicks out suddenly into Kofi’s stomach, and Kofi doubles over and vomits with the agonizing pain!
A savage backhand again flings Kofi over, making him clash into the bed that the woman is lying on.
He lies on the floor, dazed and bruised, and acutely aware that he has come very close to losing his life!
I’m the President of Ghana! Stop it right this instant!
Baluu c—s his head again and looks at Kofi with sudden shock.
Ei, no be small. The original Atopa President. So narrate the presidential oath.
No, no, no, no! Please! I’ve… I’ve forgotten the oath, please.
Baluu points the knife at Kofi, confused.
Ei, no be small. A president that forgets?
I’m President Kofi Kuntukununku. And I’m here to set you free!
Ei, no be small. A president that goes round with frytol on bula f—–g mad women. Oh, Africa, we’re dead. As for this president dier, walahi, he needs to die o!
He lunges forward suddenly and slashes with the knife savagely, and it cuts across Kofi’s arm, cutting the skin and drawing blood.
Kofi feels the pain, and feels the warm blood running down his arm.
He grabs his arm and feels the blood running between his fingers,
Stop it this instant! Oh, please! I’m not the President, please! I’m God’s son!
Ei, no be small. Akwasi Jesus. Do you think I’m a fool? Did you see Jesus running around with frytol on his bula matari and chopping alalagolaa?
Baluu throws a straight punch that almost tears Kofi’s head off.
Kofi falls down, dazed, almost passing out, and sees Baluu raising the knife to strike through his head.
You can’t kill me, Baluu! I’m already dead! I’m a ghost!
Baluu kneels down and delivers three hefty slaps to Kofi’s face with unbridled rage.
Ei, no be small. Osaman! Osaman hwea! Osaman kanto! Osaman osanini! Return to the grave, osaman tipoli, osaman atopa!! I don’t think ghosts go round with frytol on their bula matari chopping mad women. Ei, no be small, but you koraa have you seen osaman with bula before?
The room is spinning.
Kofi can feel blood pouring down his face and nose. He feels the pain of the knife wound on his arm.
He is so weak. He is almost passing out, and fear crystallizes in his heart, dragging him into paralyzing horror. Dimly he is aware of Baluu lifting the knife once again, ready to slam it down into his heart.
I saw your wife, Baluu! I saw her and your best friend!
And at that Baluu suddenly screeches!
He drops the knife and puts four fingers of his left hand into his mouth.
He is suddenly cowering with great fury, his eyes almost popping out as he glares at Kofi with terror!
Eiiiiii, no be smaaaaallllll!! Yei! Yikes! Bontonner shaka shaka menla! Blood of Jesus! Holy Spirit firewood! You saw Ama Kerosene? Ama Adwen Fi, Ama Okum Nipa? You saw her? Where? Where? And she was with Kwabena Bodamfo, Kwabena Yonko Bad? Where, where?
Kofi points weakly towards the open bathroom beyond the bed on which the woman is lying.
In there, Baluu. The two of them are in there!
Eiiiii, no be smaaaaaaallllll!! What are they doing? What is Ama Etwe Deep doing with Kwabena Yonko Bad?
Kwabena is giving Ama, your wife… alagolaaaaa!!!
Baluu lets out a crazed yell, tightening up his wrists and neck and shoulders as he screams and rushes blindly into the bathroom.
EIIIIII, NO BE SMAAAAALLLLLL!!! I WILL KILL THOSE TWO TODAY! I WILL DEZONE THEM TODAY, AMA AND KWABENA! BAD, BAD, BAD BETRAYERS!!
Kofi moves weakly towards the door after Baluu and then he pulls it shut and turns the key in the lock.
He can hear Baluu still screaming and punching the walls of the bathroom. He rips the Water Closet tank off the wall and throws it across the room.
He is screaming as he rips the shower curtain off and then he hurls himself against the wall, screaming and punching the tiles.
He kicks at the tap, breaking it, and then he lunges and lands on the water closet bowl, breaking it to smithereens.
Kofi, weeping, sore, bleeding, pulls up his trousers, goes out, and flees down the corridor with the maddened screams of Baluu still in his ears.
He knows that he has come very close to death, and it sets a deep pain into his heart.
His life is sordid! He is now cavorting with the devil, and he knows that if something doesn’t happen soon, things will definitely get darker!
He knows he has never come so close to death!
He could’ve died inside that room with a sedated insane woman on the bed, and his trousers around his knees with his head cut off or his intestines spilling out.
It had been a near-death experience to him!
Oh, Lord, my God! What is all this? What is happening to me? Why am I in such a dirty mire? Please save me, Father! Please save me!!!