Episode Title: Mallam Busanga
Kofi puts a hand on the shoulder of his friend.
Come on, man. If that’s what we gotta do to get me well, please, I beg of you, let’s do it.
Just then there is a rustle, and two people come into the shed from an entrance further down, both female.
One is extremely fat, and the other is buxom and absolutely curvaceous, and they are both naked.
The Corporal turns his head immediately and faces the wooden wall.
Ato and Kofi gawk at the naked women.
Hey, hey! Don’t look at them otherwise in the next three minutes you’ll develop four permanent boils on your butt0ckz!
Ato and Kofi turn their faces away immediately with little intakes of breath, and wait until the women have finished dressing and gone out.
Corporal Tinga then begins to undress, causing Kofi and Ato to look at each other with mounting unease.
Slowly they also begin to take off their own clothes.
In fact, this is boshit paaa! I don’t like this at all! If I had known we are going to walk around naked in this forest I would’ve waited in the car!
Corporal Tinga is first to finish undressing, and at the sight of his incredibly massive and vein-filled penis Kofi and Ato look at each other with stunned eyes.
Ewurade Nyankopon! Is that a leg or a bula? Kwasea! Kweeeeeeeerh! Do you have a wife, Tinga?
The policeman looks at them and frowns.
And what kind of stupid question is that one too?
Aboooowa! Do you want to kill somebody’s daughter? What is that monster for? Are you crazy? Do you call that thing a penis?
No, I call it a helicopter, fool! What’s the matter with you? It has been marked! I don’t put all of it into my wife!
Abakade! Heeeeerh! Who marked it?
A doctor. I have a ring I put on it so that it doesn’t go in past that ring, so my wife is safe!
Safe, my a-s! If your father-in-law sees that thing I swear he’ll let his daughter divorce you! Ring or no ring, no woman is safe with that thing! Oh, no, no, no, no! Heeeeeeeeerh!! Kote paa nie?
I swear! Haba! This banbala kote dier, it wasn’t created by God, no way! That thing between your legs was created by Nebuchadnezzar or Jehoshaphat or Abimelech, I swear!
Kofi and Ato burst into laughter as they finish undressing.
Corporal Tinga looks at them and shakes his head with restrained anger.
You have to put your wallets down. You can’t bring the wallets. You have to walk to the shrine naked. If money is needed a servant will come with you to take it.
I can’t leave my wallet here! Do you want it to be stolen?
Corporal Tinga indicates the other purses and wallets lying on the other clothes.
No one will dare steal your wallet! Whoever tries will become a cripple and fall down instantly. There is power here, I won’t lie to you!
Reluctantly Kofi and Ato place their wallets on their folded attire and follow the policeman out.
They are now walking into thicker bush, the path so narrow that they have to walk in a single file.
Kofi Kuntu, I see grey hairs on your butt0ckz!
Oh comot for there!
Ei, chale, because of small tonga, look at how grown men like us are walking naked in the forests of Koforidua with our penises swinging in front of us like the Catholic bells. God, have mercy on our souls o!
Stop fooling, Ato! Gyae nkwaseasem no, wate?
After about thirty minutes of walking they finally come to a branch in the path.
From here, the women take the left turn, and the men take the right turn!
Just then an elderly woman emerges from the left, stark naked.
Her grey hair is cropped short, and her b—–s are so long and sallow that they almost touch her thighs.
Her g—n is a thick growth of grey, and the moment she sees the mammoth organ hanging in front of Corporal Tinga she gasps, looks startled, does a double shake and crosses herself quickly.
Eiiii, Awurade Nyame, kote ben nie? Blood of Jesus!
Ato and Kofi break into gales of laughter instantly as they follow the policeman down the path branching to the right!
Seidu, did you hear the woman? She’s scared of your tsunami bofti penis o!
Will you stop that nonsense, aaaba?
Massa, find some carpenter to use a saw blade and cut off some of that penis! It’s a real horror!
This one hacksaw blade can’t cut it o, massa! He needs kpokplomaja, knicker knicker machine…tututututututuuu!
As the two friends break into uncontrollable laughter, the Corporal looks at them angrily.
Nkwaseafo! At least it doesn’t have a password on it!
Kofi stops laughing immediately and glares at the policeman.
Aboa bi ba!
Ato screams with laughter at that.
Heeeeeerh, e pain you roff!!
A few minutes later they come to the shrine.
It is a huge space filled with a lot of clay huts.
There are also some cement structures.
In the middle of the yard is a huge hole in which a gigantic snake is coiled, the sight of which make Ato and Kofi quiver with fear.
There are a lot of naked men here.
Some are lying on the bare floor.
Others are lying or sitting on the verandas.
Some are tied to posts.
Two of them are pulling a huge rock with a rope tied around it.
Others are in an open enclosure, smeared with blood and performing some sort of spiritual worship.
There is a huge shed to one side of the worship temple. It is painted white, and under it are mats.
At the head of it is an old man.
He has a long, wrinkled face, and he has a turban on his head, and dressed in a long, white filmy material.
He looks at them with rheumy eyes as they are ushered in by an attendant.
There is a huge black pot on his right side that appears to be boiling because heat steam is emitting from it, but there is no fire under it.
They are made to sit facing the man.
The attendant speaks in one of the Northern dialects, and Corporal Tinga replies.
The man in white has been staring fixedly at Kofi Kuntu.
Aftera lot of conversation between the attendant and Tinga, the policeman turns to Kofi as the man in white begins to speak in a soft, bass voice.
Mallam Busanga welcomes you.
Kofi and Ato respond fearfully.
The attendant is now speaking to the Mallam.
After some time, the attendant turns and faces them.
He speaks in a halting voice, his English heavily flawed by his accent.
Tor, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he shays your problemsh ish shmall problemshs, tor, tor, tor!
Corporal Tinga speaks to the attendant rapidly, and the medicine man nods.
The attendant then speaks in his local dialect to Tinga, who turns and faces Kofi.
Well, I offered to do the translation, and Mallam Busanga accepted. The crux of the matter is that there is a simple solution, and a hard solution for your problem, Kofi. The simple solution is that Mallam can do everything today, and by this night you will be free, and then next week you will come and make payment to the gods.
Tears come to Kofi’s eyes immediately, because it seems a very heavy load has been lifted off his shoulders.
Oh! Oh, yes! Thank you, thank you-
I haven’t finished! The simple solution is that you will go to the hen coop and bring one hen. Mallam will put some corn seeds on the floor. If the hen swallows just one seed, it means Mallam will take the simple solution. However, if the hen does not swallow any of the corn seeds, then it will mean the gods have rejected the simple solution, and you will need to go on with a harder solution!
Any solution is a solution! I’m prepared to do anything!
Mallam Busanga nods and points to the hen coop.
The attendant walks out and beckons to Kofi and Ato.
They follow him to a huge hen coop, and he opens the top hatch.
There are five white hens in cubicles, clucking nervously.